I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
