I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
