I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize