i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
