P.S. I can't hear my feet
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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