he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
