He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
