Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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