The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We got so high we made milksteak
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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