So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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