I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
