I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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