She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
