So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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