Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
