tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize