You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
