I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
