I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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