Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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