I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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