And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
