I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
