boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
