I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
