Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
