i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
