alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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