I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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