Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
