just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
