I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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