she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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