when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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