i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
