How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
