are you still at the devil's house?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
