I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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