I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
