And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
