remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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