So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
