why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
