I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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