it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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