I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
