That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He passed out mid-signature
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
