if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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