I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
