Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
