wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
