mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
