Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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