i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
