Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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