So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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