There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
