I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
