I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
