At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I love you. Go after that dick
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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